The question I was asked most after the Cinema One gig became public was, predictably enough, the one about transitioning from “film criticism” to “film making” and how it felt, or to be more blunt about it, how it felt to turn the tables on myself, as if by making a film I was also making a stick for people to punish me with, as if the transition was a violation (no pun intended) of some clandestine transaction.

Outside of the French New Wave point men and Roger Ebert writing Beyond the Valley of the Dolls for Russ Meyer and the latter-day emergence of Kleber Mendonça Filho, cinematic history has no active paradigm for the variety of cross-over I am apparently undertaking, Which is not to say, by any means, that I place myself in such esteemed company, as a reflection of caliber or even of taste,  just that the phenomenon, if you could call it that, is rare and  there is some dissonance in the notion of film critics (or film bloggers, as I often correct people when they refer to me as one) flip-flopping between film writing and film making that isn’t there when people of other disciplines do it: musicians, actors, comic book creators, novelists, visual artists.

I presume, and it's possible I presume wrongly, that this dissonance comes out of how critics are regarded as the nemeses of artists, a view reinforced with even more anatagonism than it deserves in our  tiny film scene, where the default setting seems to be  to boil everything down to a sports rivalry. Arthouse vs. commercial, indie vs. mainstream, Nora vs. Vilma. All that. Sleeping with the enemy is a "no-go". Incidentally, the only other question I was asked as often was if the baggage of expectations makes me afraid.

Ah hell. This could all be disproportionate bluster on my part. And I do have an answer to both questions: I don't know.  Not to be coy but other matters have been running enough interference to distract me and are far more pressing. For one thing, the series of processes getting here, from the physical writing to the pitching, was  a series of  severely tunnel-visioned whirlwinds of activity stacked upon one another with little airlock inbetween, and that’s even before shooting started, which brought with it a new series of tunnel-visioned whirlwinds. A filmmaker friend of mine predicted my life would stop once we started and he was more right than I gave him credit for. Only, the rest of my life didn't stop along with me and neither did the incessant nag of all my current non-Violator issues, from livelihood to health. These days, as we edge closer and closer to dubout, I can't help but feel a bit like that old director in Pedro Almodovar's Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! who couldn't finish editing his film knowing he would die if he did.  I'm not implying anything as melodramatic, and a huge part of my not wanting this to end has to do with how fun and cathartic it's been. Come November 20, though, I wake up, hopefully with a hangover, but most certainly without an excuse to defer a more thorough confrontation with my issues. You can understand how backlash is the least of my concerns.

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